Winning at Home: Kids being kids

Jul 19, 2023

My kids and I have noticed something about me. I have very different rules and expectations for my grandkids than I did for my kids as they were growing up. When it comes to the grandkids, I am a lot less strict and truly have embraced the reality that things are just things.

When my own kids were younger, I was often focused on teaching them to do things “the right way,” but with the grandkids, I tend to go with the flow. When my own kids were younger, I had much stricter rules about keeping things ordered and protected. With my grandkids, I just let things happen and assume I’ll be able to figure out how to undo stains and damage later.

For example, my grandkids recently wanted to try using some new art supplies on the driveway at my house. A couple of my adult kids were out there with them and said they probably shouldn’t because it might stain the driveway, but they could go and ask me to see what I would say. My kids were shocked when the grandkids came running back outside saying, “Papa said we can!”

See, when my own kids were younger, I was fine with them playing aggressively or making a mess—but only in a couple of designated areas. And let me tell you, anything other than sidewalk chalk or soap and water for a car wash was definitely off limits for the driveway!

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that some of the rules I have previously lived by don’t make all that much sense anymore. I wasn’t allowed to play rough or make a mess inside the house when I was growing up (one of my aunts even covered her couches and floors with plastic sheeting to protect everything), so it seemed like I was making some nice concessions for my kids when we had one room in the house that was their playroom, where nobody ever got a talking-to for leaving the room disorganized and littered with toys.

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What I’ve noticed with my grandkids is they want to play, but they also like being around all of the adults, so that they can play with us or show us what they’re doing. Sometimes, they head downstairs to the designated toy room where pretty much anything goes, but they all clearly enjoy playing in the living room where all of the grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles are gathered. It makes sense; why would they voluntarily give up on that many extra people to play with?

So, I’ve learned to relax some of those hard and fast rules and simply embrace the chaos. With seven grandkids, all under the age of 10, there’s plenty of chaos. Sure, there are some scuffs on the door and surrounding areas in our entryway from the basketball games played on the Nerf hoop and the carpet and couches in the living room have had some unnecessary spills over the years. But that’s OK. Our home has been lived and played in.

I believe it holds some truly special memories for my loved ones, who know it’s a place they can come and be themselves while being surrounded by adults who love them. I’d invite all parents and grandparents to join me in spending some time evaluating your rules and goals to see if you might be accidentally valuing “stuff” over relationships.

— Dan Seaborn is the founder of the Zeeland-based group Winning at Home, which supports and nurtures marriages and families. Email questions or comments to [email protected].